Considering Santa

I was just doing some of my best thinking (you know where I mean), and I was thinking, maybe Santa should get some corporate sponsorship. If he was real I mean. It would be a win-win situation: The corporation/s would get increased Sales and Santa would get greater exposure from all the advertising. Plus the increase in Santa revenue should in theory be passed on to the end user, resulting in better quality presents. So in fact it's win-win-win!

I mean don't get me wrong; Santa has been doing pretty well for as long as I can remember. But in this day and age if you don't move with the times you're destined for failure. He definitely needs to review his business model, reconsider his target audience and work on increasing his profile. Did you know, in some parts of Africa they don't even know it's Christmas time AT ALL? A shocking revelation I know.

Stepping back a few paragraphs, he should probably deal with this whole does he exist/doesn't he exist problem as well. Without a significant number of "believers" he seriously risks becoming reclassified as a cult. Which would be incredibly damaging to his reputation overall.

To conclude, perhaps this year we should give something back to that overweight bearded freak who's given many of us so much over the years: Instead of just sending your wish list of presents, why not also include a few suggestions on how you think Santa could improve his operation this year.

'Tis the season after all.

TV's Lost, the mystery solved in an MSN conversation

Lauren says:
life without lost, thats no life to lead

Mark says:
shh
that word is banned till february

Lauren says:
i hope its not shit without charlie

Mark says:
i hope charlie comes back as a zombie

Lauren says:
noo

Mark says:
flesh eating zombie?

Lauren says:
i hope claire finds the ring he left

Mark says:
i bet the baby swallows it and dies

Lauren says:
:0

Mark says:
well
your not supposed to leave small parts around under 3's:
choking hazard

it would be a good infomercial

imagine the whole 3 seasons of lost were just to get to this
point in the story, so that they could present the whole choking hazard baby warning

no one would see THAT coming.

The top 5 reasons to murder someone

Ever wondered why people kill other people? Note i'm only talking about homicide here, so this excludes obvious things like war. And everyone knows that killing someone in a war doesn't *really* count anyway. But what do you suppose is the number one human vice? Greed? Jealousy? Hatred? Well i spent fifteen minutes researching the subject so that YOU could find out! You lucky person you.

#5: Alcohol and drugs

In last place: is just being plain high. Picture the scene: you've been down the pub and had one or two dozen pints. You stumble home, to find your wife hasn't even left you any dinner out, let alone put the washing on. I mean, what were you supposed to do? Be warned however: the only kind of hangover worse than waking up in the morning next to a pig, is waking up next to a dead pig.

#4: Revenge

By far my favourite category. You've got to wonder if this should even really be classed as a crime. Certainly "he had it coming" should be a perfectly acceptable defence. People in this category probably figured they'd get away with it. I mean, if they had any faith in the legal system, they wouldn't be taking matters into their own hands in the first place.

#3: Money

In at three, is cold hard cash. One scenario might be that the job centre was way on the other side of town, where as your elderly rich relative lived just around the corner. And lets face it his best years were behind him anyway. Or perhaps you'd spent too much time planning how to get into the bank and not enough time planning how you'd get out afterwards. Which is really probably the trickier part.

You might be one of those people that think that this is the most despicable reason to do away with another human being. But consider this: how much would I really have to pay you to kill Paris Hilton?

#2: No apparent motive

Or as I like to think of it, "lazy police work". This category might not have made it to second place if the law enforcement agencies were a little more determined on finding out the truth. And by finding the truth, I don't just mean 'lets plant a glove and hope it fits'. Of course it could be that there really is no motive. In which case we could just blame video games or something.

#1: The domestic argument

My source indicated that "domestic includes jealousy, desertion/termination of relationship, and other domestic altercation.". It seems our favourite excuse to bump someone off is the ol' crime of passion. I guess it just goes to show that you *can* love someone too much. Or not enough. Until scientists determine the exact amount you're supposed to love someone, we're all just going to have to watch our backs.


I hope this has been informative for you. Apologies if your favourite murder motive wasn't mentioned, but feel free to let me know about it in the comments.

If you'd like more information on murdering someone, you should seek immediate help. (Statistics show that murderers who have accomplices are 25%* more likely to succeed).

*not a real statistic.

Running a bath

Mark says:
i wish could run the bath with a ./etc/init.d/bath run script.
first i suppose i'd have to ssh to the bathroom.

Kev says:
haha
Yeah
and you'd need to be root probably.

Mark says:
oh yeah.
i guess turning the taps would be easier.

Happiness: 10 cents.

I get these daily, and they are all brilliant. But every now and again they really tickle me, so i wanted to share it with you. I wish the author would make more.

I've had to reshape it to fit it in this blog. So read it top row then bottom row from left to right.

In case anyone doesn't know, the strip is called "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Waterson. Calvin is the kid. Hobbes is the Tiger.

Hobbes is actually a stuffed Tiger, but he kind of comes to life in Calvin's imagination. Or maybe it's just only when Calvin is around. To everyone else he just appears as a stuffed toy. It's never really been explained. It's a bit like Stewie from Family Guy.

I'm hoping that by telling everyone how great this strip is they won't sue me for reproducing it. Plus, it's really great.

There's no C in art

Andy says:
i got a C in art

Markus says:
there's no C in art

theres an A
and a R
and i think a T
but no C

maybe you're thinking of cart?

My apparently car obsessed day. I like cars.

I do twelve hour shifts at my full time job. My hours are 7 - 7, which can be either 7 at either end depending on whether i'm on nights or days. I prefer nights. They're quieter. I like the quiet. I also like the dark. If i can ever do something just as easily in the dark as i could in the light, i do. Which probably sounds dodgy. But it wasn't meant to. Bright lights just get on my nerves. It's probably a little strange.

Today i got up at about 6am. This is how it usually is with day shifts and won't happen until i've cancelled my alarm at least 3 times. It's a dangerous game, because my alarm thinks there should be a limit to the amount of times i'm allowed to snooze. If i go over the limit, it figures i'm better off just going back to sleep. My boss probably wouldn't agree.

I can leave the house by about 6:15am. Not much time i suppose to get "ready". I tend to use the shower hose on my hair, but mostly just to get it in some kind of order. I give my pits and my face a wash. Brush my teeth, cover myself in deodorant and i'm away. Today i remembered to grab a banana out of the cupboard. Bananas just don't last that long, so it's best to eat them while they're still good.

Driving to work usually takes about 30 minutes and covers between 25 and 30 miles. This depends on whether i go the short way or the fun way. Both are good. My car is a bit of a monster for a person my age. It's a 4.4 litre V8. I don't want to be one of those people that shows off, so i'll pretend i told you that to draw a little more of a picture of my day.

I arrived at work at 6:45 or thereabouts. Sundays are great for many reasons, one of which is having so many choices of where to park. It's currently impossible to walk away from my car without looking back at it, because it really is very beautiful. There are a few angles in which it looks a little strange, but i forgive it because of the noise it makes.

Making my way through the building to my desk involves passing several complex security features. Most have hand scanners, pin codes and radio card readers. It seemed so cool at first. But now it's all a bit annoying. Another annoying thing is having to share a desk. Being a shift worker there's always someone at your desk 24x7, so in the morning you have to wait for them to leave. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is.

Another good thing about Sunday is things are quite relaxed. Customers don't call up too often, so you can get things done that you want to get done. I've been doing a project for a while now that i'm really starting to enjoy. It's probably weird to some people that i'd enjoy doing something for work, but i like setting goals and achieving them.

For a twelve hour day i find it suprisingly difficult to talk about what went on. But suffice to say, stuff did happen and before i knew it we were back at another one of those 7's. This one was a good 7 because it meant getting back in my car.

The journey home is almost as equally fun as the journey to work except i don't HAVE to be anywhere which makes it all the more relaxing. Heated seats are cool too. These heat right up your back which is very nice. And i thought a heated steering wheel was a crazy unnecessary novelty, but it's also suprisingly pleasant. I let my car worry about when to put the headlights on and how fast the windscreen wipers should be going. All i have to do is give the steering wheel a little flick as i'm going round wet roundabouts and feel the rear end slide round. It's all a bit mad really but the car's clever electronics quickly snap it back into form. And it's once again away.

So i'm a bit car obsessed. Go figure. I guess i didn't even know really. But it must be true. I mean i just wrote more about the journeys to and from work than i could think to write about what happened at work. I guess these are the things we learn when blogging.

So i'm back home. Back home on a Sunday evening isn't as easy to find a parking space. But i do, albeit too far away to be able to see my car. Which is probably for the best.

I'm too tired to make any kind of proper meal. So i just snack and relax.

And watch Top Gear.

Humans found to be vulnerable to viruses. Microsoft to release patch.

Blogging about blogging or the lack of blogging is seriously uncool so i'll try not to do that. Rats. Well i'll try not to do it twice.

I have been sooooooooo ill recently. I'm usually immune to most of your human virii but one seems to have got me. And it's a doozie. It's had me laid up in bed for all of my four days off. Which isn't nearly as fun as it sounds. Plus it's suprisingly evil. It woke me up 10 minutes before my alarm this morning for work and it had me believing i felt pretty ok. Right up until i got here. Now i'm sweating like a very fat person who is somewhere moderately or extremely warm (sorry, couldn't come up with an original analogy).

Anyway fingers crossed its not bird flu. Although if i were to wake up one morning with wings that would be pretty cool.

You can't kick a pigeon

It's tough to keep blogging when you have an approximate regular audience of about four. And i can't even be sure of that. But i did get a comment from Dan demanding i blog. Sure he could have just spoken to me on messenger, asked how i was, what i was up to, but nah why go to the effort when you can just sit back and demand someone blogs. Go him i say. Girl power and all that.

So anyway, i know this is supposed to be at least in some part about my life so here goes. I've been pretty lazy these past few days. I can't even claim i didn't have time to blog, because i've had plenty. I did finish a long out-standing project the other day. A website i've been making for someone for over a year, so hopefully i'll get paid now and it'll all be done and dusted. I found some great paid hosting for it (well i'm hoping it will be great anyway). It's with www.streamline.net. I'm going with their basic package, which offers unlimited bandwidth, 50mb of space (turns out the site i made is only 2mb so far despite being at least 50 files and a small DB running the guestbook), a FREE .co.uk domain name of my choice, £25 of google adwords advertising, my choice of a Unix or Windows server (Windows of course) and all the standard support a good webhost should offer, for the princely sum of £28 for two years. TWO YEARS! I find that pretty outstanding.

In other news, apparently you can't kick a pigeon. Not that i'm suggesting anyone should try it. Kicking pigeons is wrong. But while i was debating whether it was possible to kick a pigeon with my friend while walking through town behind one, he decided to prove it was impossible by running at one. Turns out they move pretty fast.

Where are they now?: Venger

You may or may not remember the 80s cartoon Dungeons and Dragons, It featured this motley crew of misfits:

As far as i remember it they'd become trapped in the mystical land of Dungeons and Dragons, and each week had a series of adventures that usually ended up in them fighting a real evil looking guy called Venger (who was probably only really annoyed because someone had stolen his other horn):

Grr. Scary. At the end of every adventure they'd have fought for a chance to walk through a magic doorway to get home, but would always have to just miss out on that chance to save something lame like the annoying baby unicorn character (which in truth was a lamb with a cone glued to it's head, but that's a side issue).

Why am i bringing all this to your attention you might wonder. And quite rightly so. Well, i was researching where the characters (read: voices) of Dungeons and Dragons the cartoon were today. And i was most amused to see that Venger is still very much in employment. He plays Eeyore in the latest series of Winnie the Pooh movies.

Ultimate evil to donkey without a tail. No wonder he's so depressed.

Don't believe me? Well i'm offended, but see for yourself: http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0191520/