Considering Santa

I was just doing some of my best thinking (you know where I mean), and I was thinking, maybe Santa should get some corporate sponsorship. If he was real I mean. It would be a win-win situation: The corporation/s would get increased Sales and Santa would get greater exposure from all the advertising. Plus the increase in Santa revenue should in theory be passed on to the end user, resulting in better quality presents. So in fact it's win-win-win!

I mean don't get me wrong; Santa has been doing pretty well for as long as I can remember. But in this day and age if you don't move with the times you're destined for failure. He definitely needs to review his business model, reconsider his target audience and work on increasing his profile. Did you know, in some parts of Africa they don't even know it's Christmas time AT ALL? A shocking revelation I know.

Stepping back a few paragraphs, he should probably deal with this whole does he exist/doesn't he exist problem as well. Without a significant number of "believers" he seriously risks becoming reclassified as a cult. Which would be incredibly damaging to his reputation overall.

To conclude, perhaps this year we should give something back to that overweight bearded freak who's given many of us so much over the years: Instead of just sending your wish list of presents, why not also include a few suggestions on how you think Santa could improve his operation this year.

'Tis the season after all.

TV's Lost, the mystery solved in an MSN conversation

Lauren says:
life without lost, thats no life to lead

Mark says:
shh
that word is banned till february

Lauren says:
i hope its not shit without charlie

Mark says:
i hope charlie comes back as a zombie

Lauren says:
noo

Mark says:
flesh eating zombie?

Lauren says:
i hope claire finds the ring he left

Mark says:
i bet the baby swallows it and dies

Lauren says:
:0

Mark says:
well
your not supposed to leave small parts around under 3's:
choking hazard

it would be a good infomercial

imagine the whole 3 seasons of lost were just to get to this
point in the story, so that they could present the whole choking hazard baby warning

no one would see THAT coming.

The top 5 reasons to murder someone

Ever wondered why people kill other people? Note i'm only talking about homicide here, so this excludes obvious things like war. And everyone knows that killing someone in a war doesn't *really* count anyway. But what do you suppose is the number one human vice? Greed? Jealousy? Hatred? Well i spent fifteen minutes researching the subject so that YOU could find out! You lucky person you.

#5: Alcohol and drugs

In last place: is just being plain high. Picture the scene: you've been down the pub and had one or two dozen pints. You stumble home, to find your wife hasn't even left you any dinner out, let alone put the washing on. I mean, what were you supposed to do? Be warned however: the only kind of hangover worse than waking up in the morning next to a pig, is waking up next to a dead pig.

#4: Revenge

By far my favourite category. You've got to wonder if this should even really be classed as a crime. Certainly "he had it coming" should be a perfectly acceptable defence. People in this category probably figured they'd get away with it. I mean, if they had any faith in the legal system, they wouldn't be taking matters into their own hands in the first place.

#3: Money

In at three, is cold hard cash. One scenario might be that the job centre was way on the other side of town, where as your elderly rich relative lived just around the corner. And lets face it his best years were behind him anyway. Or perhaps you'd spent too much time planning how to get into the bank and not enough time planning how you'd get out afterwards. Which is really probably the trickier part.

You might be one of those people that think that this is the most despicable reason to do away with another human being. But consider this: how much would I really have to pay you to kill Paris Hilton?

#2: No apparent motive

Or as I like to think of it, "lazy police work". This category might not have made it to second place if the law enforcement agencies were a little more determined on finding out the truth. And by finding the truth, I don't just mean 'lets plant a glove and hope it fits'. Of course it could be that there really is no motive. In which case we could just blame video games or something.

#1: The domestic argument

My source indicated that "domestic includes jealousy, desertion/termination of relationship, and other domestic altercation.". It seems our favourite excuse to bump someone off is the ol' crime of passion. I guess it just goes to show that you *can* love someone too much. Or not enough. Until scientists determine the exact amount you're supposed to love someone, we're all just going to have to watch our backs.


I hope this has been informative for you. Apologies if your favourite murder motive wasn't mentioned, but feel free to let me know about it in the comments.

If you'd like more information on murdering someone, you should seek immediate help. (Statistics show that murderers who have accomplices are 25%* more likely to succeed).

*not a real statistic.

Running a bath

Mark says:
i wish could run the bath with a ./etc/init.d/bath run script.
first i suppose i'd have to ssh to the bathroom.

Kev says:
haha
Yeah
and you'd need to be root probably.

Mark says:
oh yeah.
i guess turning the taps would be easier.